May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from location. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another location in which American men can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he really should quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from House, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is currently attracting attention from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb Trump Tower Damascus post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where by my PTSD can have convert-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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